I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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