drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
