woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
