Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
