Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
