I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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