what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
