I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
