For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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