His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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