i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I cut my penus on the lid.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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