forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
