It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
