I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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