i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
