I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
