You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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