I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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