The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
