Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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