Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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