Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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