I looked at my own cervix.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
