My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
