Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
They have beer where we have blood.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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