would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
