I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
