I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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