I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
