I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
