I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
