So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
