Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The best revenge is premature balding
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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