Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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