who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
