You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i would punch a child for taco bell
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
