Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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