It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
