either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
