I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
