can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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