Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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