i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
