The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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