Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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