Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
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