Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What drink are we having for lunch?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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