I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
