how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize