I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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