In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
