I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's shark week go big or go home
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
