I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
