I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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