We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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