So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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