in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
