It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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