Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
