U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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