I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
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