Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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