After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
