Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
